he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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