Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
