I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
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Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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