I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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