so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
