SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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