Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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