nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
