i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
