I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
