Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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