Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
