Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
