My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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