update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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