I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
