i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
