So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
