The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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