Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
