Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
