we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm jealous of your bromance
Can Purell be used as lube?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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