____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
