A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
