Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
