i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wish there were birth control emojis
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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