hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
