Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
