She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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