he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
