she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A+ Viking dick
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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