i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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