i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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