i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
