my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
