he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
