I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
