I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
