went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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