Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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