3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
