The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
