eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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