According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
