yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
