Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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