I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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