Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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