just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
