To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
