It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
