I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
