I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
