she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
