it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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